ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
