I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
