Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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