On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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