Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
