nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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