I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
