God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
