This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
