Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
