dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
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I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
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you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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