Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
