Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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