my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
