I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
