we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
