Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
