Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Randomize
