the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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