In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
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