im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
The police scanner is talking about you again....
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
