you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
