Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
