I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
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When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
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You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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