Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
