remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
