Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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