she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
