ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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