listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
