Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
