Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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