I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
