i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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