Do you still have your period?
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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