Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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