glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
