How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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