Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
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You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
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Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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