I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
