I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
