No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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