I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
