Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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