it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
