Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
