I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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