There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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