I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
3 2 1 whiskey
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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