Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
