your parents love me but you hate me
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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