I swear she didn't look like that last week.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
