I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
You've changed since you got that strap on
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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